What is Unconditional Love and what light can I shed on this topic.
We’ll, take it from the girl who got a song sent to her, from her best friend, with a message saying; I’m dedicating this one to you..

Name of the song? “Beneath your beautiful” by Labrinth 

Looking back on that time in my life I now see crystal clear what she meant.

“You build your walls so high that no one can climb them” doesn’t sound so healthy right?

I’m and have always been a quite easy, outgoing, open-minded, caring person, and I thought that ‘open-hearted’ went hand in hand with these features..  Let’s just say that I was wrong.

My friend explained it in a very good way.

Cat, you are so easy to like, you are funny and friendly, you make friends very easy but, you don’t let them in, we are very few people who hold the key to the true you, who you’ve let in to the soft space of your heart.

wow, wait a minute, that did not sound good, not at all.

Going back now this is how it used to be:

I fell in love, a lot. Head over heals, desperate, clinging on to an unrealistic picture painted by my head and not my heart. I tried to convince myself I was in love. I decided terms and rules for who and when I could love. Well, these love stories never worked out.

The guys I fell for was almost always living far from where I lived. I threw myself into ridiculous relationships that wasn’t going to lead to anything other than back to where I started. or even further back. I deep down inside felt an urge to “have” someone in my life, to be with someone, to belong to someone.

Thinking of it now I can actually laugh at it, what was I thinking?

Well, I most certainly thought that I had to be with someone to be whole. I was so insecure that it hurt physically when the guy didn’t answer a text or a call. My mind and thoughts played great tricks on me and they did not use any kind words. Well, the one who was really playing these tricks was me, because like we talked about in earlier posts; we got to love ourselves first and know that we are good enough.

When someone came too close I simply either backed out slowly or turned away and ran, as fast as I could.I realize I probably hurt a few people on my way and for that I am truly sorry. Sorry for not knowing better, I turned down love cause I wasn’t ready and instead I held on to things that I deep down knew wouldn’t work out in the end, still felt the pain when they didn’t and cried over lost love.

So, how do you break that pattern, is it even possible to open up the heart you’ve closed so thoroughly:

F.E.A.R. has two meanings:
‘Forget Everything And Run’
Or
‘Face Everything And Rise’

I started to pay attention to my behavior, these are the most obvious (and damaging) patterns i found.

I did not love myself enough, and what i lacked in that area I gained in pain since I didn’t think I was good enough to be my self. I looked for love on the outside, never inside of me.
– I started to tell my self, every day, that; Catrin, you are good enough; I Love You; You matter. I tuned in to the voice inside of me, gave me the care and need i had been searching for outside of me. I spent a lot of time by my self, meditation, giving my self space, discovering the beautiful place inside of me where my soul resides. Sending love to all of me, every inch and atom, Love. inside and out. When we know and feel down deep inside that we are good enough we see the world around us in a whole new light and we also shine a whole different light around us.

I was truly afraid of commitment and therefore, when someone came to close I turned in to the fucking fortnox.
– When people gets close to me I express gratitude, I am truly grateful for having people in my live that wants to know me, that doesn’t mean I should run away and marry them, or that they wants to marry me for that sake, haha. It simply is a sign of wanting to know the other person and that is also how friendships are built.

I looked for love in, so to speak, impossible places (long distance, already taken men, sex, emotionally unavailable men)
– Love now resides inside of me – here and now – if I know their taken or emotional unavailable, I don’t get involved. I just send them love and go on with life. And no, sex and love are not the same thing, that I will keep on having, its good for the soul when you find the right partner to play with

My view on relationships was very creative but not unconditional.
– I’m not sure how to express this feeling I have about future relationships, I just feel that unconditional love calls for something different. something that makes us all One. I will have to process that one a bit more. As for now, there’s just Love. Conditioned relationships is when you try to fit people into a frame, Love is free, not framed. FREE.

I didn’t think I was good enough so I tried to be something or someone who I’m not.
– I don’t play games any more, before I put up a charade of what I thought people might expect from me, felt that I have to behave in a certain way to be accepted. I’ve felt amazingly free since I let that one go. Earlier I felt I had to be in charge of the situation, make people hear and see me, now I know it is ok to observe, to just breathe, to feel, to be shy, to be me. We all have our quirks, that what makes us unique.

I had an unrealistic picture of who my next love should be. I tried to Condition Love. I was ruled by Fear and Fear makes up rules.
– I know now that there’s no such thing as a picture of the next big love in life or even the one you think you are going to spend your life with. love simply is Nothing and Everything at the same time. And It’s almost never what you had picture it to be in your perfectly drawn up dream, when you let it come to you it’s something that is way better than what you imagined.

I didn’t allow myself to be vulnerable. I did not let people in.
–  Now, I act from and listen to my heart cause that’s really the only way I know how to be. I will be silly, I will tease, I will laugh out really loud when I feel like it, I will swear when I feel the need to. Scream when I’m angry, cry when something is cute, beautiful or just sad. I ask for help when I need it, for connection when my soul wants it, sometimes I’ll just ask for a hug, and when I ask you, it’s because I trust you and I did let you in. And I will do the same for you without expectations, all this is unconditional. I will seem confused from time to time but that is way better than the hard, cold surface I showed of back then. When I open up You will feel the unconditional energies. I’ve had moments and still have moments when my heart feels so open that I get the feeling of being alone, very weird. I know it’s ok to ask a friend for company when those days hit me, that’s the great thing about connection. we help each other, unconditionally. We need connection to grow. and to get connected we also have to be vulnerable.

I could probably make this list even longer but I feel you get the meaning.
Like I have said before: We also need to know that in love (and all other relationships) we do not belong to anyone and they do not belong to us. We might belong together and that’s a whole different thing. That we’ll talk about in a future post about or relationships with others.

This has not been an easy thing, taking down my guard, removing the walls, brick by brick, It has been scary, It have hurt like hell. I have been angry and disappointed with myself. I have cried lot’s and lot’s, and somewhere on the way the tears became laughter, the wounds I had started to heal. the smile on my face got bigger as the warm feeling inside me grew stronger and eventually my eyes lit up with the spark of knowing that we are all good enough. It took me weeks to writ this down. I relived some old stories, wounds started to bleed again, I got the chance to give these situations Love once more.

Someone once told me “Your wounds is where the light enters your soul” I like to see it that way, when we heal, we turn on the light from inside and no one can put it out, unless we let them.

Love, Cat